hi anon, i'm about to go to bed but here are some suggestions that imo could help make an action scene more effective
- shorter, sharper sentences! you have a lot of sentences with multiple clauses and, in general, the longer these sentences go on, the less impact they have. try to be selective about the adjectives and adverbs you use, choose your most precise descriptors. so this sentence:
Flicking his arms roughly near his sides, a surge of blue electricity snaps into existance, spiraling down his arms and twisting between his fingers like a snake, vivid and deadly; eyes once warm and brown fill to the brim with neon, a blinding blue against his whites.
i'd take out the semi-colon and make this into two complete sentences. i'd also probably scrap "vivid and deadly" because that's already captured by the snake metaphor. and i'd make that eye color description shorter & simpler for more impact?
- i'd get rid of stuff like "slightly" in "sneers slightly," and "a bit" in "reeling a bit". these are great verbs, don't dull their impact!
think about your sentence and paragraph breaks! these things help signal to the reader what to pay attention to, what's focal, helps them visualize. over here:
"Don't you dare--!" Baekhyun barely has time to throw his hands up before Jongdae brings both of his down in a harsh clap, the spray of lightning catching the plasma beam in the center. The reaction is massive, a hug explosion sending both boys flying. Baekhyun's back slams into the wall behind, Jongdae skidding like dead weight several feet as well.
i'd make "the spray of..." its own sentence, and then ad a paragraph break and have "the reaction is massive..." be the start of a new paragraph. it's super easy and instantly gives you more dramatic effect
- try to incorporate emotional stakes, not just physical ones! i think it's easier for a reader to feel invested in an action scene if there's something else happening under the surface of two guys just beating on each other. i know this scene was set up as just a training/eval thing so ~emotional stakes might not immediately be available but i think it's a good idea to think about - what does this fight mean to each participant, what would it mean for them to lose, what would it mean for them to win, etc.?
Re: itt: constructive criticism
- shorter, sharper sentences! you have a lot of sentences with multiple clauses and, in general, the longer these sentences go on, the less impact they have. try to be selective about the adjectives and adverbs you use, choose your most precise descriptors. so this sentence:
Flicking his arms roughly near his sides, a surge of blue electricity snaps into existance, spiraling down his arms and twisting between his fingers like a snake, vivid and deadly; eyes once warm and brown fill to the brim with neon, a blinding blue against his whites.
i'd take out the semi-colon and make this into two complete sentences. i'd also probably scrap "vivid and deadly" because that's already captured by the snake metaphor. and i'd make that eye color description shorter & simpler for more impact?
- i'd get rid of stuff like "slightly" in "sneers slightly," and "a bit" in "reeling a bit". these are great verbs, don't dull their impact!
think about your sentence and paragraph breaks! these things help signal to the reader what to pay attention to, what's focal, helps them visualize. over here:
"Don't you dare--!" Baekhyun barely has time to throw his hands up before Jongdae brings both of his down in a harsh clap, the spray of lightning catching the plasma beam in the center. The reaction is massive, a hug explosion sending both boys flying. Baekhyun's back slams into the wall behind, Jongdae skidding like dead weight several feet as well.
i'd make "the spray of..." its own sentence, and then ad a paragraph break and have "the reaction is massive..." be the start of a new paragraph. it's super easy and instantly gives you more dramatic effect
- try to incorporate emotional stakes, not just physical ones! i think it's easier for a reader to feel invested in an action scene if there's something else happening under the surface of two guys just beating on each other. i know this scene was set up as just a training/eval thing so ~emotional stakes might not immediately be available but i think it's a good idea to think about - what does this fight mean to each participant, what would it mean for them to lose, what would it mean for them to win, etc.?
hope that helps!