exomeme | part two hundred and eighteen

since we're on break, and some of us are seeking to improve on our writing (be it for the next few rounds or just in a general consensus) let's have a constructive criticism post.

feel free to link to any story you've written for wcau, no matter the length, in search of concrit. anons will help you understand things you may be overlooking!

PSA: let this be a safe place for anons to ask for feedback for their work. this is not a brag about your work thread, so there's no need to attack anyone who posts something in here. please be kind and let everyone feel safe asking for help improving their writing!

oh so it's just for fics

anons can ask for concrit for any other fanwork too! sorry, i know nothing about art because i can't do it myself, but i'm sure other anons could help.

uh nvm lol you do your thing writernons

can someone who's good at fight scenes help me on my battle sequencing? i find action writing difficult and when i read back on this i don't think this came out nearly as powerful as i wanted. i'm not quite sure what it is about the battle that i don't like, but it feels like it's missing something?

hi anon, i'm about to go to bed but here are some suggestions that imo could help make an action scene more effective

- shorter, sharper sentences! you have a lot of sentences with multiple clauses and, in general, the longer these sentences go on, the less impact they have. try to be selective about the adjectives and adverbs you use, choose your most precise descriptors. so this sentence:

Flicking his arms roughly near his sides, a surge of blue electricity snaps into existance, spiraling down his arms and twisting between his fingers like a snake, vivid and deadly; eyes once warm and brown fill to the brim with neon, a blinding blue against his whites.

i'd take out the semi-colon and make this into two complete sentences. i'd also probably scrap "vivid and deadly" because that's already captured by the snake metaphor. and i'd make that eye color description shorter & simpler for more impact?

- i'd get rid of stuff like "slightly" in "sneers slightly," and "a bit" in "reeling a bit". these are great verbs, don't dull their impact!

think about your sentence and paragraph breaks! these things help signal to the reader what to pay attention to, what's focal, helps them visualize. over here:

"Don't you dare--!" Baekhyun barely has time to throw his hands up before Jongdae brings both of his down in a harsh clap, the spray of lightning catching the plasma beam in the center. The reaction is massive, a hug explosion sending both boys flying. Baekhyun's back slams into the wall behind, Jongdae skidding like dead weight several feet as well.

i'd make "the spray of..." its own sentence, and then ad a paragraph break and have "the reaction is massive..." be the start of a new paragraph. it's super easy and instantly gives you more dramatic effect

- try to incorporate emotional stakes, not just physical ones! i think it's easier for a reader to feel invested in an action scene if there's something else happening under the surface of two guys just beating on each other. i know this scene was set up as just a training/eval thing so ~emotional stakes might not immediately be available but i think it's a good idea to think about - what does this fight mean to each participant, what would it mean for them to lose, what would it mean for them to win, etc.?

hope that helps!

im esl so anything you can give tips on will be helpful especially spag. i spend a lot of time writing something because i'm afraid of not using the right expressions and i spend a lot of time on google too but even when i know it's a correct word i don't know if it's correct for the context. thank you for any feedback

give me a few minutes to read this anon and i'll help with whatever i can!

ty! i'd be grateful

When his friend from long date Chanyeol had approached him during April that year, offering a job at his father’s school for young and bright and rich-as-fuck “prodigies”, unemployed 26 year-old Kim Jongdae that was a few days away from having to sustain himself with instant noodles couldn’t say no.

i'm a bit confused what's going on in this sentence, but i think i get the gist of what you're trying to say? i'm a little lost on the "long date" thing but do you mean like, his childhood friend, or maybe just a really old friend? also when you get past "unemployed 26 year old Kim Jongdae" you don't need a hyphen, and you should put the next part in parenthesis. The sentence should look more like this:

When his old friend Chanyeol had approached him during April that year, offering a job at his father’s school for young and bright and rich-as-fuck “prodigies,” unemployed, 26 year-old Kim Jongdae (that was a few days away from having to sustain himself with instant noodles) couldn’t say no.

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Until then Jongdae had plagued himself with thoughts that his parents had been right, a music major would never lead him nowhere, sometimes not even when you have the talent to get you far but Chanyeol had given him hope.

"Until then Jongdae had plagued himself with thoughts that his parents had been right, a music major " <--- put a ; instead of a comma, since you're using a separate clause.

"Until then Jongdae had plagued himself with thoughts that his parents had been right; a music major "

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The school was so big it compressed primary, middle and high school.

i'm not sure compressed is the best word here? mabye combined?

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As opposed to what he thought, he was only giving music classes in the high school section and to more mature students.

Contrary would sound better here instead of "As opposed"

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Jongdae, being from the youngest staff, was also pushed for supervising the self-study sessions for his classes.

"from the youngest staff" is a bit awkward. Maybe just, "being one of the younger staff members"

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It might have been to do with the fact that Mrs. Choi was a true old hag so the students were expecting a replica of her to show up, although Jongdae was nowhere as strict, if his tiny messy apartment was of any indication.

that last bit about his apartment is very out of the blue and doesn't go with the rest of your sentence. maybe find another way to prove your point in this sentence.

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He had been a bit nervous but the students seemed to be on their best behavior at first and even though they had visibly relaxed around him ever since, they weren’t as noisy as he remember his high school class of being.

that last bit "class of being" is a bit awkward. it'd sound better as something like "they weren't as noisy as he remembers his high school class being."

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When entering a school filled with students with rich daddies Jongdae had the

there should be a comma after daddies

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(a little bit like Chanyeol on his old days)

wrong proposition! should be in, not on

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Oh Sehun was a cocky little fuck that tried to defy Jongdae right on the first day, with his other two friends snickering and encouraging him on the back.

after "encouraging him on," add something in to make the sentence flow better. something more like "encouraging him on from the back."

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Jongdae lifted his brow, defying Chanyeol to continue.

defying isn't the right word here. daring is more appropriate.

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“Yeah sure, ethics” he said exasperatedly, a whine almost slipping from his throat but he didn’t want to show his weakness and sound displeased with Chanyeol, he almost owed him his life because of this job.

first, when you end dialogue and intend to continue a sentence with 'he said' or something like that, you should always put a comma before the end quotation mark. also the comma after chanyeol should again be a ; instead. the next line is a separate clause that could stand alone if you wanted it to, so in order to hook it on to this sentence, a semi colon is used, not a comma.

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Or a life without instant noodles.

i think this would sound better with 'or atleast a life' instead.

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Instead of making noise and disturbing the class, Sehun had taken a liking to stare as intense as he could at Jongdae during his lessons.

staring, instead of stare here. also intensely, not intense.

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That soon developed into Sehun stalking popping up everywhere around him in school.

i think you're missing a word in here. after stalking, maybe add the pronoun him and then a comma. so it would look more like this:

That soon developed into Sehun stalking him, popping up everywhere around him at school.

i think this flows a bit better.

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Jongdae had been particularly grossed out, and a bit embarrassed for the kid, when Sehun showed up, with his friends in tow like always, after soccer practice with only a sport shorts and football boots.

you should take the last clause in this sentence and move it back towards the front. try something like this:

Jongdae had been particularly grossed out, and a bit embarrassed for the kid, when Sehun showed up after soccer practice wearing only sport shorts and football boots, his friends in tow like always.

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Jongdae did not take notice of the riveting drops of water seeping through sweaty pale skin and poor excuse for abs, and his eyes did not trail down to his shorts and back up to his eyes.

"seeping through" wasn't really the right terminology here. try something more like "seeping down." also try "a poor excuse for abs."

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His assaults on Jongdae didn’t stop,

this should end here. make this its own sentence and let the next sentence stand on its own.

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Jongdae tried to resist, he really did, and he has no idea how all of this earned him a blowjob in the comfort of his soft leather chair in his office.

you switched tenses here. 'he had' instead of 'he has'

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give me a sec to read the second part!

there's so much wrong /o\ honestly thank you so much for taking your time to explain
wow i definitely have a lot to learn. i try to rely on ms office even though i know there's a lot of wrong tips even in my own language. but now i think i'm going to stop being lazy and apply myself into learning proper english grammar

thankfully i haven't plagued anyone with my writing yet (besides meme)

hey no it's okay!! i think you did amazing for someone speaking english as a second langauge. :) i've graded worse papers in high school in an english speaking country. you're doing well. <3

i think with some practice and a good beta reader, you could really improve even more. don't stop writing and don't be afraid to share!!

i appreciate the encouragement and i'm really lucky to have an actual english teacher helping me out, i'm so happy ;;

i'll follow your advice and practice more. during wcau i feel i can be shameless for opger lol

tysm you're really lovely anon ♥

“Your voice is so pretty when you are moaning, hyung. Maybe my father could audition you for one of his companies.” Sehun licked his lips, after Jongdae came down his throat, his voice sounded deep and rough.

maybe instead of 'when you are moaning' just try something like 'when you moan'

also take out the comma after lips and end the sentence behind throat. make the next one its own sentence -- this will make it a bit more sensual and you won't be trying to throw too many descriptors at the reader all at once.

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Jongdae’s limp and spent cock twitched a little at the sight of his own come on the corner of Sehun’s lips and chin.

instead of an 'and' between these two descriptors, try a comma. so 'Jongdae's limp, spent cock twitched a little' sounds better than limp and spent

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“Not hyung, I’m your teacher” Jongdae’s hand slapped him weakly on the head.

there should be a period here before your end quotation mark. you shouldn't leave punctuation out of dialogue because it's still a sentence, even when it's being spoken!

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However Sehun gave him no time to compose

when starting a sentence with however, there is always a comma behind it.

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Jongdae shut up and stilled with a mewl.

this sentence doesn't really work because you started it saying jongdae shut up, but then he made a noise. you should either get rid of one or the other, or rearrange it into something more like, 'Jongdae let out a mewl, stilling, before shutting up completely.'

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bring his thighs together, keeping Sehun is place.

in place, not is place.

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His ass was making contact with the fabric of Sehun’s uniform and he could feel his bulge underneath it, hot and throbbing

end this sentence here and start a new one. there's far too many ands in the whole sentence and it makes it feel a little jumbled.

"His ass was making contact with the fabric of Sehun’s uniform and he could feel his bulge underneath it, hot and throbbing. He started to rub his ass against Sehun's arousal subconsciously."

as you can see, i also switched the word unconciously for subconsciously. unconcious means to be knocked out, whilst subconcious means to not be self-aware of something. it's a commonly misunderstood term!

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“Fuck hyung, that’s good” Sehun groaned in his ear,

just the punctuation before you end quotes again

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After that only sounds of ragged breaths and soft moans could be heard as Jongdae kept squirming in Sehun’s hold, causing an amazing friction on Sehun’s dick, and Sehun licking his nipples and kissing and marking his body (something Jongdae would get mad over later on).

'causing an amazing friction on Sehun's dick' is a little off. maybe end the beginning of this sentence after "Sehun's hold," and then start a new one more like:

"The friction on Sehun's dick was amazing, Sehun continuing to kiss at his body, licking nipples and leaving marks(which Jongdae would be made about later)."

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Only when Sehun slipped one of his hands between them and stroked him that Jongdae noticed his cock was stiff again.

that is not the right word here, it'd be 'did.'

Only when Sehun slipped one of his hands between them and stroked him did Jongdae notice his cock was stiff again.

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It felt so good, Jongdae barely could keep himself rational anymore, the slow pace left him wanting more and he wanted it to last.

your clauses are a bit jumbled here. try something like this:

It felt so good, Jongdae barely able to keep himself rational anymore, and the slow pace left him wanting more. He never wanted it to end.

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“Help me feel good too, hyung” Sehun’s eyes have Jongdae pinned as he stroked himself while looking at him, the same intense expression which Jongdae was fairly certain at the moment that it meant lust.

again with the punctuation before your end quotes. also, in the sentence after, the grammar is a little off:

“Help me feel good too, hyung.” Sehun’s eyes had Jongdae pinned as he stroked himself while looking at him, the same intense expression from before that Jongdae was fairly certain was pure lust.

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and when they locked eyes with each other Jongdae’s cock

just add a comma here after each other!

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When they were both clean and proper back into their clothes,

properly instead of proper

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“Get. Out.” it was a short warning

you missed a capital here!

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he scrabbled something on a few

scribbled, not scrabbled

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but we can decide that after” he gave Jongdae

same thing as before, just watch your punctuation in your dialogue.

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that's all i could really find anon! other than that, your idea was well thought out, the premise was good, and it was executed nicely. :) i liked it!!

no don't lie to me lmao but thank you so much orz i'm sorry i put you through torture but i decided to try out the concrit post because i needed to know how bad it was

tbf teachers don't teach us punctuation in school. when we had to write long answers the teacher would say to not bother with it since we were going to mess up anyway. so when i write in english i try to think about the pauses in my inner dialogue and it gets mixed up with the punctuation rules for my native language. it's still not an excuse that i didn't try to learn on my own

i'm taking notes from your comments and i'll definitely work on it! again, thank you so much for this

i wouldn't lie!! i promise it really isn't as bad as you think. i just picked apart the grammar mostly; your spelling was on point. :) and when you learn another language, there will always be mistakes.

i truly think this was great for an esl fic and i don't think you should worry about it so much. punctuation and clause breaks seem to be the only thing you really struggle with, and those are easy to fix!

i wish you all the luck and i hope it helped. <3 try to find a good english speaking friend of yours and ask them to beta stuff you write. the more your mistakes get pointed out, the quicker you'll learn to fix them, because you'll remember the last time you made that mistake! it's the easiest and quickest way to fix your grammar. :)

idk if i managed to convey how grateful i am for your words but i am. your advice was really good. i mean i'm glad that you pointed out exactly what was wrong and wrote down the improved version, it's easier to see the contrast between right/wrong and what i need to improve

yes i'm feeling motivated and ready :* you're the best anon! 😭 💖

part two hundred and eighteen

itt: constructive criticism

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