you're not alone anon. i kept asking what more could have been done? i battled depression myself but it was not till years later and i was living with someone who has depression as well that i realized how hard it must be for loved ones when they're trying, i did not realize it when i was battling depression until i had to be there for someone with depression. im glad that thus far, the idea of suicide seems so far away for you and i hope it remains like that. i battled with that idea for a year, trying to find different ways i could go and it is different for everyone how they come out of that.

one thing i've learned is that now i need to be kinder and reach out so much more to people. don't wait for people to reach out to me because i myself know how difficult it is to tell someone help, i need help. so i need to take the initiative, even when they're not showing any signs, to just reach out and ask how they're day was, how are they and that i'm here and that i care.